do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
