Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
