I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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