By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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