Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
