Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
