I faked an abortion last night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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