GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
