Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
