Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
