i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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