I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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