Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
