It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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