We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
