this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
