Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just found a bag of teeth...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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