i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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