omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm really busy with my period
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