I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
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I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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