Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I didn't notice because vodka
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
