Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
