Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
