I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
