I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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