what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
