She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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