Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
