You smell like a Billy Joel song
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
