"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
