it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
