you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize