your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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