I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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