if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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