matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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