Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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