Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How's work?
Spinning.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
