I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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