I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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