I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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