I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
