I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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