Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
