Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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