I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize