it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
