I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
