I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
