Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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