Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
