College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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