you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm at about main and main street
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
