Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
