SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
