Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
