Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
