Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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