I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
