Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
