I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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