Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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