I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
A bitchslap is in order.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
