You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
